Ode To The Try Hard Neighbor

          

     I get it.  You saw that Tim Allen movie from the mid 2000's, where he spends day and night making the most badass Christmas display ever, and got inspired.  If your goal was to turn your yard into an inconsiderately loud and bright fire hazard to all of Birch Avenue, job well done.

          I've noticed a trend.  People with the loudest lights are also the only ones on the block with snowblowers, and damnit they're gonna let you know it.  It usually presents itself as a 7:00am wake up to take a leak, only to look out the window to see a few flurries on your driveway.  Directly across the street, the man you've only known as "Ed From Across The Street" is wailing his snowblower at 4000 RPM's with one hand, while waving to you (yep, he somehow saw you) with the other, as if to let you know he's digging escape tunnels for the apocalypse.  Take it easy, Ed - it's practically dust. 

          I respect Christmas spirit, I really do.  You're talking to the guy who recorded every single episode of A Christmas Story that ABC Family aired on Christmas last year.  Yeah, it took up a shit load of DVR space, but commercials are the second best part of Christmas television.  Shout out to Hallmark for the tearjerkers.  

          Anyway, I draw the line at try-hards.  Play Silent Night and The First Noel until kingdom come - that's relaxing.  But if your yard is screaming "Feliz Navidad!" like a damn Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, we might have a problem.  Lucky for you, I decided that I was too old to unplug people's decorations myself when I turned 18, so this year I'm enlisting in the help of the baddest 7-year-old Edgewood Estates has to offer, and it'll only cost me some old baseball cards and a sack of marbles.  

          I can appreciate an inflatable snowman or snow globe, and if you really want to get on my good side, set up a nativity scene.  Feel free to throw some reindeer out there, but expect my recruits to position Rudolph to look like he's getting dry humped by Dasher and Dancer at least once.  Oldest trick in the book.
          It's 2014 - wake up, people.  Christmas lights are no longer cosmetic expressions of spirit, they're establishments of neighborhood dominance.  Nail the display and go down in history as one of the neighborhood best to ever do it and hold celeb status for the next 364 days.

Evan Farrar